We've only got each other to blame
It's all the same to me love
'Cause I know what I feel to be right
No more lonely nights
You my guiding light
Day or night I'm always there
May I never miss the thrill of being near you
And if it takes a couple of years
To turn your tears to laughter
I will do what I feel to be right
And I won't go away until you tell me so
No, I'll never go away
Paul McCartney 1984
You know what’s the best thing about writing a blog? You can write about things you know absolutely nothing about. Take bad marriages, for example. Luckily, I don’t really know much about them. Amy and I have been married more than a decade, and we’re happy. My parents have been married over 50 years, and I’m guessing they hit 75. Seriously. Although some of my friends have gotten divorced, the vast majority have stayed together.
So when I first got married, I was a little naive about marriage. I just assumed that you spent all your time together, and wanted to; if you didn’t you had a poor marriage that was in trouble. But I started noticing a really interesting strategy that some couples used. They intentionally spent frequent and consistent time away from each other, almost as if they liked to hang out in short doses, but too much time together would kill the patient.
Nowhere do I see this used more than by professionals (and quasi-professionals and wanna-be professionals). Whatever you do for a living, there’s always an out-of-town conference somewhere, right? Even if you’re a maid, I’m sure there’s a conference next month in Vegas to teach you how to clean better. Work is another great excuse. “Honey, I’m so sorry that I have to spend the next 6 straight weekends out of town. Videoconferencing and the telephone just aren’t the same, and if I don’t go we’ll all be out on the street. You don’t want that to happen, do you?” There’s also always a simcha. Who wants to be the mean spouse that says no to going to your old buddy’s 4th kid’s bar mitzvah?
Why does the other spouse allow this? Often they want some alone time too. If one spouse doesn’t want to spend a lot of time with the other, the feeling’s probably mutual. This does not necessarily mean that the two don’t like each other, or that they have a weak marriage. For some couples, time away from each other keeps things going.
Look, I’m not saying this is ideal. I sure wouldn’t want to be in that type of marriage, and I never will be. I’d rather be McCartney/Eastman (less than 1 week apart in 30 years of marriage). Also, I’m guessing there is at least some correlation between time apart and divorce rate. But for some couples, the time apart works, and it’s precisely what keeps them from actually getting divorced.
Everyone’s different. In life there’s not always a 1 size fits all solution. If it works it works.
Have a good night everyone.
JR
