Family Circus

I know a girl, mess with your mind,
She'll come to you in the summer sometime
She'll talk about things you don't understand
She is beautiful, she is small
She don't wanna play basketball
There's no tellin' what she might do
Before her doin' days are through
But right now she can't even crawl
Your brother and sister don't understand
How your tiny feet and your tiny hands
Could carry the weight of a thousand earths
Into our little universe
But, Georgia, we all think it's grand.

                                John Hiatt 1988      

“Dear Ethan, Justin, Landon, Gavin, and Hayden:

 Well, you made it.  You’re all grown up.  I brought you all together tonight to talk to you about probably the biggest decision that you'll ever make - how many kids to have.  Now to be honest, that decision is a personal one between you and your future spouses, and really even a parent should stay out of it.  But I’m going to ignore that and give you my opinion anyway.  Also, I could be politically correct and tell you that there are many people I know with small families who are perfectly happy, and for them that was the right decision (which is true).  However, since I went the other direction I'm going to ignore that also, and make my pitch for you all to have a bunch of kids.

Have you ever heard people say that “every child is a jewel”?  If I offered you a jewel (or a car or house) for free every year or two, at first you might say that you don't need it.  You might already have a car or house, and then you start thinking about the cost of maintenance, insurance, etc.  But if you thought a little harder about it, you would take me up on the offer.  You would figure it's an asset, that in one way or another it would be a net positive.  The difference is I never woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat because I had a nightmare about something bad happening to my house.  But I did with you all.  Every child will be a jewel for you.  Each one is the ultimate gift; take advantage of the opportunity.

And if you’re going to have a lot of children, I recommend doing it quickly so they can all be close in age.  You all were never bored; there was always another brother or sister to play with.  Yes it makes it much more challenging to do it this way, because you have so many toddlers and young children at the same time.  But it's worth it in the long run.  In my experience kids with a lot of siblings seem to be very close their whole lives, and after watching you all I can see why.

          Then there's the religious angle.  When I was growing up in Louisville, when I heard about a big family, you would always ask if they were Roman Catholic.  Now I think it's just Orthodox Jews.  I'm sure you all remember our neighbors, 5 kids, 7, 11, etc.  I won't bring up the Torah verse of “Be fruitful and multiply”, because you already know it, and to be honest, for me that was not the main reason I chose to have a big family.  I can just tell you that having you guys made me feel that I was straight with God.  I don’t know how else to explain it.

          But don't kid yourself, it's damn hard work.  But you know what? It's not exponentially hard. What I mean by that is it's not like having a second kid doubles your work and a third kid triples it.  You're already at the grocery store so you just pick up a little more food.  You're already giving a bath, you just give a few more.  Like most things in life, you adapt, this time to the workload.  You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

I'm not going to lie to you about the cost either.  It's brutal.  If you go the private school route, which you will, it's seriously punishing.  But you'll be fine.  No one starves.  You'll adapt to this too; of all the reasons not to have a big family, this is the one I would pay the least attention to.  Trust me, you'll be able to provide the physical necessities to have a healthy child; the things that are the most important long-term for them, like inculcating morality, intellectual curiosity, and teaching them how the world works, are all free.

          Look, here's the bottom line.  Whenever someone has a child, whatever the circumstances, once they're born they never want to give them back.  Once the kid comes into your life, you won't be able to imagine your life without them.  So take a swing.  And enjoy the Netflix”.

          Have a good night everyone.

          JR