I'm running for President

 

I’ve got the brains, you've got the looks

Let's make lots of money

You’ve got the brawn, I've got the brains

Let's make lots of money

                        Pet Shop Boys 1985         

          This would be my first speech if I was running for President, had $100 million, and had some Blue Label 5 minutes before:

"Hi, my name is Kitt Domney, and today I am announcing that I am officially a candidate for President.  The main thing I want you to know about me is that I am rich.  Filthy, freakin’ rich.  So rich, in fact, that to be honest I've lost track of exactly how much money I have.  Now once upon a time in America, this was considered a good thing.  People who were rich were looked up to.  They were understandably thought of as smart, hard-working, and ambitious.  Let's face it, the American dream was mainly about money; having a big house, nice car, and something left over for the toys.  The rich were respected because everyone was trying to get to where they were, and we all looked up to the people who made it.

And then it all changed.  I can't really pinpoint a time when it happened, and I can't point to one event that caused it.  Maybe it was America electing a President who never missed the opportunity to tell you that the rich were screwing the poor.  Maybe it was the development of a welfare society in which most people didn’t have a stake in the functioning of the country, as 50% of people don't pay one penny in taxes (candidate takes a three-minute break to go vomit after thinking about that).  Okay, I’m back, sorry about that.

            Whatever it was, the rich went from being respected to being hated.  Jealousy started running wild.  Now this all seemed strange to me, because like always I noticed that people were still trying to make more money.  Employees kept asking their bosses for raises.  People continued to uproot their families and fly across the country for higher paying jobs.  People sure seemed happy when they won the lottery.  I could be wrong, but I don't remember anyone having their picture taken when they picked up their unemployment check.

Everyone still wanted to get rich. But the few who were successful were looked down on by those same people.  It turned into a bizarro world.  Well friends, I'm here to straighten things out.  Our country is broke and I know how to fix it.  I understand finance, which is how I got so rich in the first place.  I've hired thousands of people and supported thousands of families.

Look folks, I'm not your friend, I’m not your pal.  We’re not going to be drinking buddies.  I got a job to do, and I need you to let me do it.  Just like you don't need to be best friends with your doctor or  accountant, you don't need to be best friends with me.   But you’re going to love me when I turn this country around.  And one day you might even look up again to people who are living the American dream."

Have a good night everyone.

 JR