Cheetah Woods

Frankie, didn't I tell you

You've got the world

In the palm of your hand

It wasn't your intention

Frankie to fall in the trap you made

            It's a crying shame

You left a trail of destruction

Heartbreaker you know now

They really did care cause it's your first affair

The party's over

Now you discover

It's your turn to cry

                             Sade 1984

  

I can always tell when an athlete takes steroids, well before they get busted.  This is not in the least bit impressive.  It's simple.  First, you look to see if they have gone from average or good to very good or great.  Then you look to see if their body has undergone major physical changes, such as Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, or those female East German Olympic athletes from the 70’s who had deeper voices than mine.  Lastly, you see if they hang out with people known to take and dispense drugs.  Steroids, especially the sophisticated kind designed for extreme performance and non-detectability, don't just appear by themselves.  There’s always a scumbag doctor involved.

Which brings me to Tiger Woods.  It's a little strange that I’m doing a blog about him considering I've never played golf, don't follow golf, and don't care about golf.  However, I do think a well manicured golf course is the most beautiful thing that humans have created, so that's gotta be worth something.  Back to Tiger Woods.  So I think he's been on drugs most of his career.  However, all the other athletes I've been sure were taking were easy to spot, but with him I'm not 100%.  Let’s call it 90%.

Here's my theory.  Woods spent his entire marriage cheating on his classically beautiful wife, with girls that as far as I can tell can be described as “sleazy hot”.  (Not that they would ask me, but when it’s time for my sons to get married if the choice is between a girl who is sleazy hot or classically beautiful, I'm going to strongly suggest the latter).  He cheated on his wife, and to my way of thinking his kids also (you know it's true).  So after losing his pristine reputation, family, and a ton of money, he decides to get his life together.  This involves getting off the drugs.  The result? His career goes in the toilet.

Before he got caught he was the #1 player in the world, had won 14 major championships and 71 tournaments, and was widely considered the best golfer in history.  Afterwards he dropped out of the top 50, and not only didn’t win any more majors but didn’t win any more tournaments period.  So basically the guy considered the best in history in his sport becomes a mediocre professional.  I know he’s had injuries, but didn’t he once win a major championship with a torn ACL? I don't buy it.

The other evidence? Well, he got big and muscular compared with what he looked like when he first started playing professionally.  Not quite freakish like Bonds, but still.  He also started hanging out with Anthony Galea, the Canadian doctor linked to dispensing human growth hormone and other performance enhancing drugs.  Galea used a controversial blood-spinning technique to help Woods recover from knee surgery.

          The one flaw in my argument, which is why I’m not 100% sure?  Woods was always good, and won an amateur championship when he was 19.  But no amateur champions ended up being considered the best of all time except him, and he could've been on the juice early.

My guess? He took steroids and eventually will be forced to admit it.

Have a good night everyone.

JR